Empty Air
by ArmidaLore01
Summary: "Cries of pain, sorrow, anger, despair, it all came pouring out as Arthur sobbed, screamed, hit the floor and yanked his hair as he yelled and bellowed at the world's cruelest injustice, at how it just wasn't fair." Deathfic, Implied slash, Merthur.
1. Father - Hate

Inspired by the intro to Rascal Flatts's music video of _What Hurts the Most._ Not sure if I'm going to keep this as a one-shot or expand on it. What do you guys think? Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Merlin, nor the plot to Rascal Flatts' _What Hurts the Most_ music video.

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><p><em>Thwack! Thwack thwack! Thwack!<em>

Over and over again, bare fists met the punching bag, the flash of thunder erupting in his knuckles disappearing as quickly as it happened, only for it to return again in the next punch.

_Thwack! Thwack!_

Sweat beaded down his neck, his back, down his forehead into his eyes, which he ignored, but that wasn't the only salt water his eyes were fighting back. He persisted, punching and punching and hitting and slamming his fists into the bag, over and over and over, his hits becoming increasingly sloppier and inaccurate as his emotions threatened to overtake him.

_Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!_

Determined and agonized grunts were escaping his throat, his teeth were clenched. His fists were screaming by now, the pain shooting up to the back of his hand, to his wrist, and still he kept on hitting that damn bag.

_Thwack thwack! Thwack! Thwack!_

"Arthur."

The man immediately stilled, the abused bag swinging frantically following the onslaught.

"Get out," Arthur bit out coldly, his eyes never leaving the bag. "I don't want to see you. I _never _want to see you."

"Arthur, _please_."

Huffing, Arthur swung his fists again, meeting the center of the bag harshly.

_Thwack thwack! Thwack! Thwack!_

"Arthur..."

_Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!_

"Arthur!"

A hand clasped down firmly on his shoulder. And he snapped.

Arthur roared as he whirled around, thrusting his right fist forward. His aim was true, slamming the punch right into his father's face. Uther didn't make a sound as his head snapped back from the powerful hit.

The horrified astonishment that _he actually punched his father in the face_ was lost to Arthur, instead consumed by something wilder, something driven by a strong thirst for revenge.

So he advanced, and he kept hitting Uther, hitting and punching and even kicking when Uther fell, screaming out all of the anger and hatred into the empty air around them.

"You did this! You made him leave!" Arthur screeched. "I hate you! You killed him! How could you do this to me?! _You killed him!_"

"Arthur, s-stop," Uther choked, raising his heads in a pitiful attempt to cover his bloody and bruised face from his son's fury. "I'm sorry!"

"You're _not_!" Arthur screamed, kicking him again; Uther doubled in on himself with a groan. "You wanted him gone! You hated him! _Hated him! Admit it! _What did he do to deserve this?! What did _I_ do to _deserve this!_"

He gave a final shout and a final punch that sent Uther reeling back, collapsing completely to the ground, blood streaming from his mouth and from his mouth, his left eye swelled and puffy.

Panting, stiff breaths left the distraught man, who barely noticed the renewed throbbing in his hands as he focused solely on the cold suddenly seizing his heart, until it spread throughout his body rapidly, robbing him of all warmth, and he fell to his knees with a petrified gasp, his hands shaking in the fierce grip of his blonde locks between his fingers.

Uther gave a pained grunt at an attempt to lift himself to his knees. His corporate suit, now rumbled and dirtied, signified nothing here, his dignity and pride of a business man forgotten as he crawled slowly forward. He was only a father now, whose only goal was to reach his distressed son.

"Arthur," he murmured, still crawling forward.

A sob wrenched its way through Arthur's throat, almost rendering him speechless and curling into himself as his heart thudded inside his rib-cage overwhelmingly.

"I hate you," Arthur wailed. "If you hadn't... If you... He's dead. Oh my God, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!"

Cries of pain, sorrow, anger, despair, it all came pouring out as Arthur sobbed, screamed, hit the floor and yanked his hair as he yelled and bellowed at the world's cruelest injustice, at how it just wasn't _fair._

Uther finally reached his son, beyond tears at the sight of his son's grief. And Arthur didn't even bother to fight off the hands, slightly slicked with blood, that grabbed his bare biceps with a foreign gentleness, or the form of Uther lowering himself until his father's forehead lay on the back of his neck.

The bag kept swinging as the room echoed with Arthur's tears.

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><p>What do you guys think? Just as a side-note, Arthur is talking about Merlin, even thought he never directly says it.<p> 


	2. Mother - Goodbye

This chapter was written while listening to One Two's song _Without You_ on repeat. My throat still hurts from the lump that formed there. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Merlin.

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><p>His mother wept on his bed as he packed.<p>

She had entered silently as he dug through his drawers and threw random articles of clothing into his bag, and he only spared her a moment's glance as she stood crying at his doorway before he ventured into his wardrobe. Brief lapses of control led him to randomly check on her, only to see her face almost completely hidden from view as she cried into a white handkerchief, the parts that were visible vividly red from her tears, sitting on the edge of his bed.

He zipped up the bag slowly, as though not wanting to startle her, but she emerged from the handkerchief nonetheless, her normally radiant eyes shining with grief, tracks of tears still trickling down her soft cheeks.

"Please Arthur," she muttered, her bottom lip trembling in her effort to speak clearly. "Please, don't leave."

Arthur sighed deeply, eyes locked onto his mother's as he battled the fresh emotions rising within him. He gently took her hand and helped her up, enveloping her in his arms silently and placing his brow on her shoulder. Her form shook in his embrace.

"I can't stay here, mother," he whispered, not trusting himself to speak any louder. "I just... I won't."

A stifled sob and a sniffle left Ygraine, and her delicate hands reached to stroke his hair and rub his back soothingly. Arthur closed his eyes at the pang of nostalgia he felt at his mother's comfort, swallowing harshly and blinking rapidly. Still, he quickly wiped at his eyes as he pulled away from her, the sting of oncoming tears never leaving.

"Arthur," she said, and he looked at her again. Her blue eyes, the original to his own, looked at him with such sorrow and love. "I'm so sorry. Believe me, love, I'm _so _sorry."

He nodded, shifting his glance at the ground by his feet. He did not want to cry. He had had enough of crying lately, of waking up to a cold, empty bed in the morning as he blindly searched for a warmth that will never return, of running to the bathroom and emptying the contents of his stomach into the sink whenever missing Merlin just became too damn much.

He had had enough of home.

So why was it getting so hard for him to say goodbye?

"Merlin loved you so, Arthur," Ygraine continued quietly, and Arthur winced. "And I know you loved him just as much. And... I'm sorry that your father couldn't see that."

"I don't..." Arthur cut in, closing his eyes tightly. "I don't want to talk about him. Please, mother."

He found himself questioning whether he was talking about his father or Merlin.

Ygraine sighed, and Arthur opened his eyes once again to see his mother nod stiffly. Arthur pursed his lips and grabbed his bag, throwing the strap over his shoulder as he leaned down to grab the handle of his suitcase. It was time to leave.

"Just know, love, that there will always be a place for you here," Ygraine whispered.

Arthur hesitated for a moment, biting back the reply that he would probably never be ready to see his father again, before nodding, sinking into another hug from his mother. Ygraine gently patted Arthur's neck as she murmured, "I love you, Arthur."

Arthur closed his eyes. "I love you too, mother."

With a final kiss on the cheek, Ygraine let her son go. Arthur walked around her toward the door, but paused at the threshold, looking back at her. She watched him with noticeably increasing distress at her son's leave, and Arthur once again swallowed down the hard lump in his throat.

"Goodbye, mother."

Without another word, Arthur turned away, walking down the halls and out of the house he grew up in, trying his hardest to ignore the sobs coming from his room.


	3. Sister - I Saw Him

Third chapter of this story! It may end soon, maybe the next chapter, or within the next couple. Hopefully, my heart can take more devastating songs as inspiration for this. Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Merlin.

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><p>It was well into the evening when Arthur arrived at Morgana's house, but the warm glow of her living area's lights still shined past translucent curtains. He could see her blurred form coming to the window before she drew the curtains back and saw him standing next to his car, his belongings at his feet.<p>

Arthur watched as Morgana immediately ran from the window, the curtains flickering back to their original position, and waited for her as she opened her front door and approached him at a quick run. He opened his arms to her numbly and caught her as she threw her arms around his neck, both her hands cupping the back of his head.

"Oh, Arthur," she whimpered, and Arthur blinked as he noticed her tears for the first time. He held her, staring blankly ahead at Morgana's green lawn.

"I'm alright," Arthur whispered. "I'm alright."

In a short moment of retrospect, he knew it was pointless to say that. Morgana, his mother, everyone knew he was not alright. Even he knew. Who would be in this situation?

Still he said it, repeatedly, absentmindedly wondering if he was trying in laughably obvious vain to convince her or himself.

Morgana sniffed and pulled away, quickly wiping at her face before smiling, her lips quivering with the effort. She wasn't wearing makeup. "Let's get you settled in," she said, grabbing the handle of his suitcase. He nodded, grateful that she had not asked him anything more or made him speak of the circumstances that led him here or, God forbid, how he was feeling. He was sick of feeling.

So it was with a numb body and mind that he followed her into her warm house, closing the door behind them.

xXx

"_Do you ever think about the future, Arthur?"_

_Arthur turned his head to look at the man next to him._

_They were lying in the meadow behind Merlin's house, a peaceful serenity settling over them after they finished the mini-picnic they had. The wheat-woven basket, long since emptied of its contents, sat forgotten at the base of the large oak tree they were under, the red and white checkered blanket was underneath them._

_Arthur frowned, but his brows pinched together in amusement. "All the time, why?"_

_Merlin turned to him, his blue eyes glittering with mirth. "What do you see in your future?"_

_Arthur scoffed, smiling playfully. "Well, I see myself going to the loo in about ten minutes-"_

"_Prat!" Merlin laughed, swatting at his boyfriend's chest while Arthur chuckled. "You know that's not what I meant!"_

"_Well, what do you see, _Mer_lin?" Arthur grinned, rolling onto his side, towering over Merlin as the other boy._

_Merlin's smile turned from playful to pensive, reaching up and tracing Arthur's jaw with his finger. He exhaled deeply, and said, "... I see you."_

_A fierce warmth erupted in Arthur's chest at these words, filling him with a such a strong essence that could only be love for the man beneath him. It was then that he knew he loved Merlin, and God, he loved him so dearly._

"_Well, what do you see?" Merlin whispered, his words echoing in the silence between them._

_And if he was honest, Arthur already knew. He knew what was in his future. But he didn't say._

_Instead, he smiled softly, and pressed his lips to Merlin's in a tender kiss._

_What do you see?_

_What do you see?  
><em>

_Well, what do you see?_

Arthur sat up in bed, his breath caught in his throat. After a moment's panic of trying to get his breath back, a sob was ripped out of him, an explosion in the otherwise silent house. And then he couldn't stop.

Frantically, he searched his bed, his eyes flickering rapidly from side to side, hands sliding across the mattress, trying to find that warm, living body that was _just there_.

"No..." he mumbled, tears cascading down his face hotly, breathing harshly. "No... No, no, _no_! Bring him back! _Give him back!_"

"Arthur, Arthur!"

Somewhere in the midst of his panic, Morgana appeared in front of him, her hands hot on his cheeks, a bewildered expression in her sleep-deprived eyes. Arthur sobbed once before swallowing, trying to speak.

"I... I saw him, Morgana! I _saw _him!"

"I know, Arthur. I know," Morgana nodded, her brows furrowed in worry. "It was a dream, Arthur. Just a dream."

"No, Morgana," Arthur wailed, trembling hands reaching up to clutch her wrists firmly. He ignored Morgana's wince. "You don't understand, I _saw _him! I saw... I saw him. I saw Merlin."

His voice quieted down to a whimper, and his grip faltered on Morgana's wrists as he fell into her. Morgana was silent in her comfort, hugging his limp body to her, rubbing his back and arms soothingly, stroking through his matted blonde hair. All the while, when he could get a coherent sentence out, Arthur kept sobbing, "I saw him... I saw him..."


	4. Surrogates - Grief

Okay, I was listening to the OST for the movie Tuck Everlasting, particularly the one entitled "Winnie and Tuck," and God…. I'm really crying my eyes out as I'm writing this author's note, and I was crying throughout the creation of this chapter. Hope you enjoy chapter 4!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Merlin.

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><p>Arthur stood there, hands clasped in front of him, oblivious to everything and everyone around him, his eyes only for the sleek brown casket that was already lowered into the ground.<p>

His mother and father were there, and though upon arriving at the chapel he greeted his mother warmly with a hug, he only acknowledged his father with a stiff nod, leading Morgana away before Uther could speak. Arthur knew it wasn't Uther's fault of what happened, but he had no desire to reconcile as of yet.

He vaguely remembered the sermon, and various friends like Will, Gwaine, Lance, and Gwen delivering eulogies on behalf of Merlin. Arthur himself refused to; he could not stomach the thought of standing there in front of the crowd, saying goodbye to the man he loved so much, when only a handful actually knew the true relationship between Merlin and himself. The others didn't need to know the depths of his grief.

He remembered being one of the ones to carry the casket out of the chapel, barely registering the heavy weight of the task, threatening to bring him down to his knees.

Arthur had carried Merlin before, but never had it been so difficult to.

The walk to the gravesite seemed to last an eternity, and when it came time to place the casket to the ground, Arthur nearly stumbled, knowing that this was the last time he would ever do anything remotely close to carrying Merlin ever again. He nearly broke right then and there, but bit back the stifled cry that so desperately wanted to leave him.

He didn't pay much attention to anything else, his eyes only for the casket containing Merlin's body. The body that no longer held _Merlin _anymore, empty and hollow as a vessel would be once its essence has left it.

Arthur shivered and clenched his jaw, forcing such thoughts out of his mind.

As they were lowering the casket into the ground, Arthur heard a soft murmuring and he wrenched his eyes away from the casket to glance up.

Gaius was standing just opposite of him, his long, black cloak fluttering in the wind, an arm placed around the shoulders of none other than Hunith Emrys. Hunith had her eyes closed as she leaned heavily into Gaius's support, looking very much like she was going to faint at any moment. Her face was void of tears, but not of the sorrow that Arthur knew was there.

Arthur felt a harsh chill enter his previously numb body, and then he felt a hot wave of shame. He spent this whole time wallowing in despair and agony for his lost love, that he didn't even stop to consider Hunith, Merlin's mother. Hunith, who had just lost her _son_.

Oh God, the _pain_ she must be in.

His thoughts came to a rigid halt as Hunith suddenly opened her eyes and locked her gaze on his, her soft, bright blue eyes, Merlin's eyes, meeting his own.

And Arthur stood in a stunned marvel at the absolute strength of this woman, this wonderful, lovely woman, for as soon as she saw Arthur, she smiled. A smile of grief, but at the same time a smile of comfort, of the love from a mother, one that he's seen from Ygraine so many times before.

_Hunith_, who had lost her only son, her only child, was comforting _Arthur_.

That is what prompted the first tear to fall. And then another.

His bottom lip quivered, his face crumbled, he wrapped an arm around his torso and the other hand covered his mouth, vision turning back to that familiar thick blur.

Still, he saw Hunith's smile.

xXx

During the reception, Arthur lost Hunith, but he had overheard from a woman who appeared to be one of Merlin's distant relatives of Hunith's whereabouts.

"...going to stay with her uncle Gaius for a while. Couldn't stay here for long. Not that I blame her. Absolutely devastating, losing one's child. Poor dear."

He had muttered an explanation to Morgana, who had waved away his apologies and smiled her understanding. After giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, Arthur had sprinted out of the reception and headed to where he parked his car, and had at once set off in the direction of Gaius's home.

Now here he was, taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart as he raised a fist to knock on the front door of Gaius's home.

The old man answered after a moment, and upon seeing it was Arthur his eyes softened.

"Arthur, my boy," he said, gathering Arthur in his arms.

"Hello, Gaius," Arthur answered, returning the hug gently. "I'm… I'm so sorry for your loss."

"It's our loss, Arthur," Gaius muttered lowly, patting Arthur's upper back.

They pulled away from each other, their expressions a mirror image of the other's from the day's events.

"Hunith… May I see her?" Arthur asked, shifting his weight nervously.

For a moment, it looked as though Gaius was going to object, but eventually the old man sighed and nodded. "Come in, Arthur," he beckoned with a withered hand, stepping aside to allow Arthur to enter. Arthur passed him cautiously, suddenly afraid that maybe this wasn't such a good idea, that seeing Hunith this soon after all that had happened would prove to be damaging.

But Gaius patted his shoulder and gestured to the kitchen silently, before proceeding to the living area. Arthur sighed and walked to where Hunith resided.

Hunith was sitting at the table, a cup of tea in front of her, completely untouched. The woman looked completely and utterly defeated, her eyes glazed over and staring at the surface of the wooden table without blinking. Arthur gulped and stepped further inside, announcing his presence. Hunith glanced up at the sound of footsteps and stood almost abruptly once she saw Arthur, nearly knocking over the cup in her haste.

"Arthur," she breathed unsteadily, eyes welling up and jaw wobbling. She opened her mouth to say more, but only a stifled cry passed her lips.

Arthur lurched forward, arms ready and open as he caught Hunith, who collapsed into his hold as soon as his arms wrapped around her, clutching the back of his suit jacket desperately.

"Oh, God!" she whimpered, voice cracking as her voice became more shrill. "Oh my God, _Arthur_! My baby boy! Not my baby boy, not my Merlin!"

Her sobs and shrieks grew in intensity and it was all Arthur could do to keep her body upright and not fall to the ground with her. A boiling ball settled in his heart and twisted and coiled as he struggled to maintain composure. Hunith's cries and pleas for her son were heart-wrenching and all Arthur wanted to do was scream and cry with her, but he wouldn't allow himself to. His eyes were screwed shut, not wanting to shed any of his own tears and intrude in this moment of grief that could only be Hunith's, could only be a mother's grief for her son.

"Not my _Merlin_, Arthur!" she wailed, and Arthur could feel her strength leaving her with every cry. He trembled and held her steadfast, blinking back the wetness that gathered involuntarily in his eyes. "Not my _baby boy_..."

A shuddering exhale left Arthur's lips as he mumbled into her hair, "I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry…."

Later on found Arthur carrying Hunith back into her room, placing her still form on her bed. She had cried herself out moments before, the stress and overwhelming emotions of the day finally catching up to her until she cried herself to sleep.

Arthur had slowly lifted her, feeling completely out of place as he carried Hunith to her room. He shouldn't have to do this. He shouldn't have to hold Hunith for the reasons he had held her, he shouldn't have to carry her to her room so that she may sleep for probably the first time since…

And Merlin shouldn't have….

Arthur sighed and sniffed as he covered Hunith with the thick blanket at the foot of her bed, stroking back the hair that had fallen down her forehead. He kept his hand on her forehead, feeling the creases and lines of a woman far older than Hunith beneath his palm. Even in sleep, she could not find peace.

Arthur heard slow footfalls coming in from behind him, yet he did not look away from Hunith's sleeping face.

"This is the first time she's allowed herself to grieve since it happened," Gaius muttered lowly as he came to a halt beside Arthur. Arthur blinked, but still didn't glance up at the old man. "She didn't shed a tear, not when we received the news, not when we made the arrangements, not at the funeral… It has finally caught up to her."

Arthur took in a deep breath. "Maybe I shouldn't have come here."

He glanced over to Gaius at the same time that Gaius raised his eyebrow. "Don't."

"This isn't my place," Arthur insisted. "She just-She just lost her son, and I…"

Gaius sighed deeply as Arthur trailed off, and gently yet firmly took Arthur by the elbow and led him out of the room silently, shutting the door behind them. He led Arthur to the living area and sat him down on the couch, departing to the kitchen to fetch Arthur a cup of tea.

Once they were both settled, a steaming mug in Arthur hands, Gaius spoke.

"Now you listen to me, and listen to me well, Arthur," Gaius began. "We've all lost someone today. Hunith lost her son, I lost the closest thing I had to one, I loved Merlin as though he were my own. Others lost a dear friend. And you… You lost someone very special and important in your life, that you loved, and still do."

Gaius leaned over and placed a hand on the back of Arthur neck, tilting his head so that Arthur met his gaze. "Never feel like your grief is beneath anyone else's, Arthur. You have the right to cry, to grieve, and to miss him… Same as all of us."

Arthur sighed shakily.

"And Arthur," Gaius continued. "Listen to an old man's plea, and take care of yourself. Don't shut us out. After all, you're very important to everyone, and to me as well."

Arthur truly looked into Gaius's eyes, the man that he'd known to be another uncle, could even go so far as to say he was like another father to him, and saw the raw sorrow etched into his aged face. He swallowed and nodded frantically, sniffing.

"I-I promise," he muttered. "I promise."

Gaius offered a tiny sad smile, dropping the hand on Arthur's neck and slowly standing. He seemed to pause for a moment, and then he spoke again. "And Arthur?"

Arthur's eyes flickered in acknowledgement.

He was silent was Gaius walked forward to where he was sitting, didn't say a word as Gaius placed a hand on the back of Arthur's head and pulled him in for a hug. He found himself leaning his forehead on Gaius's stomach, reaching up and clutching the black cloak Gaius still had on.

"I'm so very sorry, Arthur," Gaius said, his voice thick with unshed tears. "Truly I am."


	5. Friends - Heal

Chapter 5! I'm sorry if the characters come across a bit OOC, I've had a major case of writer's block and wrote this around the early hours of the morning. Though I did try my best to keep them in character, I'm not too thoroughly convinced that they are. Well, hope you all enjoy!

Depressing song for this chapter: Holocene by Bon Iver.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Merlin.

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><p>It was while he was twisting the key in the ignition of his car, his mind complete set on driving home to collapse on his bed and sleeping the rest of his life away, that he remembered he left Morgana at the reception.<p>

Jaw clenched, he aimlessly drove around the small residential area, battling with his thoughts. He felt guilty, leaving the reception like he did despite having a reason, but he really, _really_ did not want to go back. He didn't want to return to a place of such sorrow, didn't want to be in a place that constantly threw it in his face that Merlin was gone, that they had just placed him in a casket and buried him in the earth.

As if his heart hadn't already suffered enough.

His phone chimed with a text, and he slowly parked on the side of the road to answer it. He then noticed that along with the next text, he also received a few others he wasn't aware of.

_I know you don't want to, but it would be better if you were here. _

Percival.

_Morgana said you were with Hunith. Please send her my love._

Gwen.

_Please come back Arthur, we need you here._

Lance.

_I'm sorry mate._

Gwaine.

Arthur sighed, an elbow propped on the steering wheel, his forehead on his closed fist, counting his forcibly calm breaths. After a moment, he suddenly sat up, slapping the wheel. Turning shifting the gear to drive, he sped off.

xXx

He began walking over by a table near the bar, where Morgana, Gwen and Lance, Will, Elyan, Percival, Gwaine, and Leon were all seated. As he was approaching, he noticed them talking in faint smiles, occasionally one of the girls would dab her eyes with a napkin or handkerchief, and as he got closer he caught snippets of a story Will seemed to be recounting.

"... couldn't imagine my luck. Out of all those kids, I got that scrawny little git to sit next to. I thought it was so unfair, I didn't share my crayons for the whole first week, which was like the greatest insult to a six-year-old."

Morgana let out a watery laugh, while the men around him chuckled. By then, Arthur reached the table, unintentionally announcing his presence and putting a halt to Will's story.

Morgana was the first to notice. "Arthur," she smiled, gesturing to the empty chair to her right. There were scattered greetings from everyone at the table as he sat down, he tried to ignore the relieved smiles, worried stares, or the twitching gazes of those who tried to appear as though they weren't staring. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, shifting in his chair.

"Sorry, I was… I was with Hunith," he muttered, almost too lowly for the group at the table to hear him.

"We know, mate, Morgana told us," Gwaine said, sliding over a glass to where Arthur sat. "Saved you a pint."

Arthur nodded his thanks and took the glass, resisting the urge to completely down the entire thing in one go. Reluctantly, he settled for long sip before placing the pint down.

It took a little bit of prompting, but the group once again fell into conversation. Arthur listened silently as his friends and sister talked about Merlin, of their memories of him, amused grins being exchanged as they remembered the many quirks he had. Arthur remained quiet. His memories of Merlin were private; he did not wish to let the group know of just how much of Merlin they didn't know, and will never know. Like how his eyes sparkled when he grinned, how soft his hair was when Arthur interlocked his fingers in it, how his face flushed after a particularly heated kiss, how his voice sounded after saying "I love you…"

Arthur took another large gulp out of his pint, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb after placing it back down.

After a moment, his silence was interrupted. "Arthur," Morgana whispered. Arthur gave a slight jump at her sudden intrusion. "How was Hunith?"

Arthur ducked his head at that, trying in vain to blank out the vision of the woman crying and grieving in his arms for the first time since her son's death. "She, um… She's not doing well." Morgana bit her lip worriedly, her gaze downcast.

There wasn't a chance to say more after that, for Gwaine suddenly stood from his chair, halting all conversation happening among the friends.

"I'd like to make a toast," the man announced to the table. He raised his glass. "To Merlin."

xXx

"Mind if I join you?"

From where he was leaning against his car door, Arthur glanced up to find Gwaine standing in front of his, one hand in his pocket, the other grasping a silver flask. Arthur recognized it as the one he and Merlin got for him as a gag gift. The blonde gave a miniscule shrug and returned his gaze to the paved ground beneath him. He heard Gwaine approach him, and then felt a slight nudge on his right arm as Gwaine also leaned back against his car, taking a swig from his flask.

Gwaine cleared his throat roughy, and then the silver flask passed through his line of vision.

"Here," Gwaine muttered, his voice hoarse presumably from the alcohol. "Figure you might need it. Better than the cheap stuff they have in there."

Arthur hesitated, meeting Gwaine's eyes briefly, before he eventually took the flask from his friend, throwing back a large gulp.

The drink burned and crackled the entire way down his throat, nearly forcing him to cough it all back up, yet he swallowed, welcoming the fire that was in his throat and traveling down into his stomach. Already, he felt the warmth that only alcohol could bring, and he noticed his hands were shaking as he passed the flask back to Gwaine. Arthur exhaled shortly, clenching his fists to stop the twitching.

The two men were silent for a moment, only interrupted when Gwaine once again drank from the flask and coughed deeply as he gulped it down.

Finally, Gwaine spoke. "I knew."

Confused, Arthur looked up with lowered brows. "What?"

Gwaine wasn't looking at him, yet he smirked without humor. "I knew for a while. About you and Merlin."

Arthur heart dropped and a growing cold horror swept throughout his body, leaving his fingers and toes numbs and his heart racing. He watched helplessly as Gwaine waited patiently while he stuttered and stumbled furiously over his sentences, and when Arthur finally stopped trying to talk and settled for a blanched expression on his pale face, Gwaine finally turned to look at him.

Arthur felt a vague sense of bewilderment at the lack of judgement in Gwaine's face.

"H-How the bloody hell did you know?" Arthur finally managed to choke out.

Gwaine gave a small, amused "hmm" and smiled with a softness that contrasted with his gruff face. "More perceptive than you give me credit for, Arthur," he shrugged. "At first, I was just guessing. Little stuff changed, you know? The way you treated one another, the way you talked about the other, how much time spent together, all that. But then I became certain a little while ago."

"How?" Arthur demanded.

"I saw you," Gwaine answered casually. "If you wanted to keep it secret, you two shouldn't have kissed in the park where I run every day, mate."

Arthur's jaw snapped shut, his teeth clicking on impact, and flushed. Gwaine chuckled, nudging Arthur's arms playfully.

"Relax, princess," Gwaine said. "I'm not judging. In fact, I was quite pleased that you two ended up together. In all seriousness, you two… It made sense."

Gwaine looked back down at his flask, lightly stroking the mouthpiece as a thoughtful look came across his face.

"He really cared for you, you know? I could definitely see that," Gwaine muttered, his smile faltering until it was just a twitch of the lips. "And you…" Gwaine's eyes met Arthur's again. "You loved him too, didn't you?"

Arthur was speechless for a moment, an invisible obstacle in his throat rejecting any sensible words from leaving. He exhaled, and was horrified to feel a stifled sob escape. He quickly turned away from Gwaine, staring at the building that the reception was currently being held in.

He forced his eyes to remain dry as he nodded furiously. He eventually spoke, his voice thick and cracked.

"I just… I-I don't know what to do," Arthur said, knowing Gwaine was looking right at him. "I… I loved him so much. And now he's gone, and I don't know what to do."

He heard Gwaine sigh, and saw in his peripheral vision as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't think either of us do, Arthur," he said. "Listen, we all cared deeply for Merlin. I get that I cannot even begin to understand what you're going through, and I'm not going to pretend like I get it. Our loss is different. But it was still _our _loss. It was still _their-_" He saw Gwaine gesture toward the building, where their friends still were "-loss. No one can get through this alone, so don't think that you have to find a way to, alright? And I know you and I have never been the best of friends, but if you ever need someone to help you get completely and utterly _pissed-_"

This startled a laugh out of Arthur, turning to look at Gwaine, ignoring the sudden knowledge at the back of his mind that this was the first time he had laughed in quite a while. Gwaine grinned and continued, "- you know where I'm at."

Gwaine placed a hand on Arthur's shoulder squeezed firmly. "And for what it's worth, and I'm sure you're sick of hearing this by now, but… I am sorry."

The brief moment of euphoria brought on by the laughter quelled down by now, and Arthur's lips pressed together in a tight line. But instead of the crushing, almost-suffocating grief that engulfed him moments before, there was now a type of fondness toward Gwaine, and toward his friends inside that building.

It was tiny, he almost didn't feel it, but there was a sliver of hope inside Arthur that wasn't there before. He could get through this. Getting over Merlin would take time, and it's probably something that Arthur will never truly accomplish, but he could cope and heal.

The pain was still there, raw and fresh, but he could get through this.

"I'm sorry, too," Arthur responded.

Gwaine dropped his hand from Arthur's shoulder and raised his flask toward the heavens. "Cheers, Merlin." He swallowed back a small sip, and then passed it to Arthur.

Slowly, Arthur grabbed it and raised it as well, though it held it for a moment, staring longingly at the vast sky above them, wondering just where Merlin was in that infinity.

"I love you, Merlin," he said, bringing the flask to his lips and swallowing down more fire.

Gwaine didn't comment on Arthur's declaration, but took back the flask and clapped a hand Arthur's upper back.

"Let's get back inside, I just remembered that they had sent me out to get you a while back," Gwaine said, pushing himself away from the car.

Chuckling, Arthur made to follow his lead, but paused for a moment. He looked back up at the sky, noticing the orange tint as the afternoon progressed into evening, a sunset approaching in the distance.

"_Beautiful, isn't it, the sky?"_

"_Really beautiful."_

"_Arthur, you're not even looking at the sky."_

"_No, just something more beautiful."_

"_Psshhh, and you call me the girl, you sap."_

"I can see why the sky is beautiful now, Merlin," Arthur whispered. "But not for the reasons you said. It's beautiful now because you're in it."

He turned back around and followed Gwaine back into the reception.


	6. Truth Will Out

Chapter 6! There will probably be one or two chapters left in this story. Yeah, it's almost over. But hopefully you guys enjoy this chapter! There's a bit of a revelation in store.

Depressing songs for this chapter: "Lose You" by Pete Yorn and "Breathe No More" by Evanescence.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Merlin.

* * *

><p>A month.<p>

Had it really been a month?

It seemed so surreal to Arthur at this point, knowing that it was three weeks since the funeral, a month since he last saw Merlin alive. It felt like a lifetime, an eternity, ago.

There was still that pang in the morning, that harsh reminder every day that it's one more day without Merlin at his side. There were still nights where he would have such wonderful dreams of pressing kisses and soft embraces from a lifetime that seemed so far away now, and then he'd wake sobbing because it would never last.

There was still Arthur, who missed Merlin so damn much that it hurt to breathe sometime. It hurt to live without him.

But he survived this far.

His friends were a tremendous help. Morgana was always the one he went to first, seeing as though it was his sister and he lived with her. He turned to Gwen for her kindness and gentle soul, reveling in the calm he felt after she kissed his temple and sinking sillingly into her hugs. that reminded him of his own mother, unconsciously needed that maternal care as she stroked his hair after a hard day. Lance, Percival, Leon, Elyan were there if he was up for going out, surprising Arthur time and time again with their endless patience when he grew quiet or when all he wanted to do was get shit-faced drunk to the point of blubbering incoherency, making sure he made it home safe. Even Will was there, providing Arthur with a harsh declaration that Arthur needed to get himself together whenever things became too much. Will was always good for tough love, yet he still displayed empathy towards Arthur's pain, and Arthur was grateful for that.

Surprisingly enough, out of all his friends, Gwaine was the one that helped the most.

Gwaine and Arthur grew even closer during the three weeks since the funeral, so much so that somehow, without realizing it, Gwaine became Arthur's best friend. When the agony, which sometimes seemed as raw as the first moment he experienced it, snuck up on him, when talking to the others didn't help, he called Gwaine, who was always ready with a strong demeanor, a listening ear, and a flask of whiskey.

During these times, he stayed at Gwaine's, crashing on the couch after an emotional night of drinking and recounting fond and still painful memories of his relationship with Merlin.

It was on one of these nights that Gwaine found out just what happened the night Merlin died. It was also on this same night where a particularly brutal nightmare plagued Arthur's mind.

xXx

"_Father, may I talk to you?"_

"_No father, please-"_

"_I will not have you succumb to this _abomination_!"_

"_Father, I love him!"_

"_You're to go nowhere near that boy!"_

"_What's going on?"_

"_Merlin, no-!"_

"_You! You stay away from my son! Get out of my house!"_

"_Arthur-!"_

"_Father, no!"_

"_You're never to return, you're to forget Arthur and keep your filthy-"_

"_STOP THIS! You leave him alone! I love Merlin and-"_

"_Uther?!"_

"_Get out!"_

Arthur caught the scream as it was leaving his throat, leaving him wide awake, heart pounding furiously in his chest, eyes and throat burning. A gut-wrenching sob erupted from deep in his chest, and he pressed the heels of his hands to his streaming eyes, teeth clenched tightly as he fought to keep his cries quiet.

"You kept calling for your father."

A wild gasp, and Arthur saw Gwaine sitting in the armchair nearest to the couch, a calm expression on his face, hair tousled, lids half-shut in drowsiness.

"You kept telling him to stop," Gwaine continued when Arthur didn't speak. "You… You called for Merlin too."

Arthur gulped, inhaling and exhaling shakily from his nostrils. Tears continued to fall down his ashen cheeks, but he made no move to wipe them away, at the moment not giving a damn that Gwaine was seeing him cry.

Gwaine took a deep breath and scratched his head. "You don't have to tell me," he whispered roughly. "But… Do you want me to stay here for a while?"

Gwaine's friendship was still quite new, and it took Arthur a moment for it to sink in just how grateful he was to have Gwaine there before he nodded slowly, looking back up at the white ceiling. He observed the single crack above him, cerulean eyes tracing the path and pattern as he gathered his thoughts.

A few moments later he heard the steady breathing that signaled Gwaine had dozed off and he sighed, suddenly overcome with the urge to tell someone, even though Gwaine was dead to the world. So he began to speak.

"We were talking about telling people about us," Arthur muttered, a little startled at how horrible his voice sounded. "His mother and Gaius already knew about us. I think my mother did too. I told Morgana a while back, but she had already guessed by then. The only one left besides you all was my father."

Arthur closed his eyes, his mind thrown back to that day, reliving it in vivid detail. "Merlin was over that day, and I left him in the kitchen with my mother so I could talk to my father. I walked into his study and I asked him if we could talk."

"_Father, may I talk to you?"_

"I didn't know how to approach it," Arthur continued. "He interrupted me, though, to talk about this daughter of a fellow business partner who had shown interest in me, and he was encouraging me to ask her to dinner. When I refused, he got confused. I kept trying to tell him, he kept urging, and then I just blurted it out."

"_No father, please-"_

"_I will not have you succumb to this _abomination_!"_

"_Father, I love him!"_

"_You're to go nowhere near that boy!"_

"He went completely mental," Arthur's voice quivered, recalling the wrath of his father he encountered that day. "Screaming at me, calling what Merlin and I had an abomination. He was screaming, I was screaming. And then Merlin walked in."

"_What's going on?"_

"_Merlin, no-!"_

"_You! You stay away from my son! Get out of my house!"_

"_Arthur-!"_

Arthur exhaled, pausing for a moment to regain his composure. He rubbed his hand across his face and continued. "I kept myself in front of him. I didn't know what father might have done had he gotten his hands on him. He was insulting him, cursing at him, telling him that he was to go no where near me and that he was not welcome in the house anymore…"

"_Father, no!"_

"_You're never to return, you're to forget Arthur and keep your filthy-"_

"I begged him." He went on, despite the fresh tears trekking past his lids. "For the first time since I was a child, I begged him to listen, to try to understand, and I kept telling him that I loved Merlin, but he wouldn't listen. My mother ran in then to try to stop my father.."

"_STOP THIS! You leave him alone! I love Merlin and-"_

"_Uther?!"_

"_Get out!"_

It was then that Arthur noticed the feeling that someone was watching him, and he rolled his head to the side to see Gwaine, wide awake, and staring with eyes full of bewilderment and shining bright, even in the darkness of the room.

Arthur sniffed. "He made him leave. Merlin ran out, and I followed him. He kept apologizing." Here, Arthur let out a huff of humorless laughter. "Sorry for what? What the hell did he have to be sorry for? For loving me? For the fact that I loved him?... He told me that for now he would stay away from Uther's house- that he'd stay away for the day and hopefully things would calm down. He promised to call me later that night when he got home. Then… Then he kissed me, got into his car, and drove away."

"_I'm sorry, Arthur, I'm so, so sorry."_

"_Merlin, what on earth on you talking about?"_

"_I-"_

"_No! You've nothing to apologize for, now please, don't leave! I-I'm the one that should be sorry that he reacted like that. I swear, I'm going to-"_

"_No, don't! Arthur, no. It's your father."_

"_After what he said to you?!"_

"_Even though we didn't hope for it, we both knew that this was one of the possible scenarios that would have gone down."_

"_Merlin-"_

"_Shhhh. It's okay. I'll leave for now, I won't stay away forever, just long enough for Uther to hopefully calm down. This isn't the end, Arthur."_

"_Damn right it isn't. I'll make him see sense. I'll make him see how wrong he is, I'll make him see that I love you and that we're not. Splitting. Up."_

_A soft quirk of the lips. "Well, until then, I'll stay away from here. I-I should get going now, I can hear him calling for you. Hey… I love you. I'll call you when I get home."_

Gwaine barely moved at all during Arthur's tale, but now he moved his gaze downcast. Arthur ignored the glimmer that fell from Gwaine's face.

"He never called me that night," Arthur whispered. "Found out from Gaius the next day that on the way home, Merlin lost control of the car while driving down that country lane to his house."

He licked his lips, tasting the salt of his tears that made it to his mouth. "I blamed my father at first. He was the one that sent Merlin away, he hated him as soon as I revealed that we were together. I was so _angry _at him, so furious that he robbed Merlin from me like that, but… it wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's. I know that now."

"... I never liked Uther,," Gwaine answered eventually, looking back up. His eyes were red, not from the lack of sleep. "No disrespect, mate, but your father and I... never saw eye to eye. But I think you should talk to him. This is killing you, Arthur. You need to make peace with him."

Arthur bit his bottom lip worriedly. "I don't know if I can."

"You can."

"What if he doesn't want to talk? What if he refuses to listen?"

"He does," Gwaine answered. "And if he doesn't… Make him."


	7. Merlin

Last chapter, everyone. Yup. It's over. This story was definitely an emotional rollercoaster. I did everything I possibly could to try to convey the right kind mood and emotion, as well as incorporate that into Arthur's character. I listened to sad songs, instrumentals, took long walks, imagined how my reaction would be should my boyfriend die (horrible idea, I never want to do that again), watched movies and studied how people acted when their loved one died... It was definitely trying. But now, this is the last chapter, and I really hope you enjoy it. I will have another story posted in the upcoming months, so watch out for that, and thank you all for reading!

Songs that inspired this chapter: "The Funeral" by Band of Horses; "Portrait II" by Keith Kenniff; "Reconciliation" from The Walking Dead OST.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Merlin.

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><p>It was a considerably short walk from the gate of the cemetery to Merlin's grave, but it certainly didn't feel like it as Arthur walked slowly towards it, eyes focused on the earth beneath his feet.<p>

He drew in a deep inhale through his nostrils as he trudged to a stop in front of the headstone, right hand deep in his pocket, sighing softly as he eyed the bouquet in his left hand.

"I'm absolute rubbish when it comes to picking flowers, you know," Arthur began, shifting his gaze down towards the slab of stone before him. "Morgana helped me out... Looking back on it, I could have picked these out, but you know her."

Carefully, he crouched down, laying the bouquet of forget-me-nots gingerly on the flat ground in front of the stone, pressing his palm gently on the flowers as he sniffed wetly, not at all amazed that he could still cry after three months. He removed his hand from the flowers and reached toward the headstone, tracing the indentations of the words etched there.

**MERLIN EMRYS**

**November 20, 1994 - July 15, 2014**

**_Since you'll never be forgotten,__  
><em>_I pledge to you today__  
><em>_A hollowed place within my heart__  
><em>_is where you'll always stay._**_  
><em>

Arthur swallowed the thickness in his throat. "I'm sorry I haven't come by to visit you. I just... I don't really have a good reason." He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't think I need to tell you what's going on in everyone's lives. They visit you all the time..."

Guilt crept into his voice, and he cleared his throat and shoved it back down. "Father and I haven't spoken yet, and I know you're probably up there, shouting at me, calling me an arrogant, stubborn prat. I know you are, and you'd be right to say that I am. I just... I can't bring myself to talk to him yet. I will eventually, just..."

He sighed. He needed to change the subject. "It was horrible at first, going back to school without you. I never knew how much I needed your presence until I walked into the courtyard and everyone was just staring. I almost reached out to hold your hand, but then I remembered, and it... It just sucked. Walking to lectures without you, having lunch without you, having a flat without you... _God_."

He sniffed, leaning down to pinch the bridge of his nose, feeling the all too familiar hotness in his eyes. "I hate this, Merlin. I really h-hate not having you here." He was crying now, and made no further move to remove evidence of his tears. The grief was still just as suffocating as it was that first day, even though the air around Arthur had long since been empty of Merlin's presence. "I-" His voice cracked horribly, and he swallowed roughly in an effort to speak once more. "I miss you... _so _much."

Visiting his grave was too much, regardless of the time that had passed. Overwhelming sensations and thoughts crossed his mind randomly and without pause, of his still fresh grief, of the agony of going through days without Merlin, of the fact that _he was practically kneeling on top of his body_, buried under six feet of earth. The last thought spooked him, and he was startled from his tears, staring at the dirt beneath him with an odd fascination. His fingers were intertwined in the loose earth. He dug at it gently, loosening it some more and almost stroking cool dirt at his fingers. He closed his eyes, and for a moment, for one second, he could pretend it was Merlin's cool hand, and that he was linking their fingers together.

"I miss you," Arthur whispered, his eyes still shut.

Silence met his words, and he once again unveiled his cerulean orbs, a tear escaping his eye when he saw the slab of stone before him. He cleared his throat and sniffed, running his arm across his face. His cheeks felt cold and dry, and his eyes felt full. He stood slowly, never taking his eyes away from Merlin's headstone.

"I promise that I'll come visit more often," Arthur said, placing his hand back in his pocket. "But before I leave..." He paused in his decision, and then removed his hand, taking out a small box. He turned it in his hand, and then crouched back down, holding it lightly between his fingers.

"I should have answered you that time," Arthur muttered, opening the box.

Inside lay a simple gold band, gleaming in the sunlight, finally revealed to the world, no longer kept hidden in the depths of the box. Arthur saw the inscription on the inside. _Two Sides of the Same Coin_.

"You know... I saw you, too," he said, digging at the previously loosened dirt until a small hole remained, and then gently placing the closed box inside. A deep breath, and he buried that too.

"You'll always be in my heart, Merlin," he said, looking back up at Merlin's name on the headstone. He made to stand up, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on the edge of the cold stone. "I love you."

He wrapped his jacket more tightly around him as the autumn breeze picked up, though he shivered from little more than the cold. He cast one last, longing look at the headstone before him, and then Arthur turned and left the cemetery.

xXx

Though his friends had all offered, Arthur refused to take another roommate in his flat. He even turned away Gwaine. The space had been for himself and Merlin, and having another person occupy that space, taking Merlin's bed, or even Arthur's bed that they shared many times before, seemed wrong, seemed too much like an insult to Merlin's memory, and to all the memories that they made in that flat.

So he was alone the week following his visit to Merlin's grave, jotting down an outline for a biology thesis due the following week, when a knock on his door echoed through the flat.

Arthur glanced up, frowning. He was not expecting company, though his sister had a tendency to randomly drop by and check on him, so he would not be surprised if it were her. He stood, calling out a quick "I'm coming!" when the knock repeated. He reached the door and twisted the knob, pulling it open.

There, looking completely out of place and clad in a polo shit and dress pant, stood Uther Pendragon.

"Father," Arthur greeted, caught between being bewildered at his father's visit and remembering that he was still upset with him in the first place.

"Son," Uther replied.

"Am I?" Arthur couldn't help but bite out. He couldn't decide whether he felt guilt or a sliver of triumph over the uncomfortable flinch that Uther gave at that jibe.

"Please, Arthur," Uther said. Arthur was taken aback at the genuine plea in Uther's voice, as well as the expression on his face resembling a father desperate for his son's listening ear, looking nothing like the father and authoritative figure Arthur had grown up with. "I think that a talk between the two of us is long overdue. May I come in?"

Arthur hesitated. Uther sighed.

"I wish to apologize, Arthur," Uther said. "And... To ask for your forgiveness. And to say that... I am _so _sorry."

Arthur blanched and at first could do nothing more than stare, watching his father break and crumble before his eyes. This was a moment that he had been waiting for, that he had been building up to act on, and now that it was here... He was suddenly ashamed at his avoidance of his father, at his insistence to never listen to what he had to say. He refused to let himself closure, and refused his father that same privilege.

Uther was here now, and at last, Arthur would have a chance to able to move past at least _something _in his life.

"Arthur?" Uther spoke, almost looking frightened that his son was going to shut the door on him.

Eyes welling up, a lump lodged in his throat, Arthur nodded shakily and stepped back, letting his father in.

* * *

><p>That's all, folks. The talk between Arthur and Uther can be left up to the reader's interpretation, and I am sorry for those that wanted to read about their talk. I just felt like the reader themselves could choose their own ending; even though it is implied that Arthur forgave Uther, perhaps he did, perhaps he didn't.<p>

For me, this story was never really supposed to have a true happy ending. Death in real life does not have a true happy ending. Yes, people move on and find happiness again, and they can look back on the memories of that person that died and smile and laugh, but the pain and loss will still be there until we can join them in the afterlife. I wanted to at least leave this story with a bit of hope of Arthur attempting to move on, though, so here it is.

I hope you all enjoyed this story. Thank you all!


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